I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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