there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
so much tequila, so little girl.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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