when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
