Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
