Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
