I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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