nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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