I think my vagina is haunted
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
