If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
