Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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