I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
