How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
