How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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