My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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