Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
