Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
