I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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