She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
