That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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