so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
