Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
