I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
