i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
