My underwear smells like fireworks.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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