So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
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