Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
false alarm, still single
Randomize
