So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
