I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
