Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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