it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
