cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
