You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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