Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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