Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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