We won't sleep together?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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