dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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