Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
