even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
