It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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