she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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