I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
