the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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