I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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