Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
