I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
