I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize
