I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
