i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
