so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
