I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
