is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
